I’m searching for the perfect words, but they are elusive. What can I say that hadn’t been said before? You are like me. You smile and laugh all the time, your friends say you’re a ray of sunshine. People like to say you couldn’t possibly understand their sorrow since obviously you have a perfect life. How little they know. They do not see the tears behind closed doors, small and silent in the night. They do not hear the heart wrenching sobs that cause you to close your door and turn the music up so you can’t be heard. No one sees you on your knees, pressing your hands to your head in an attempt to squeeze the voices into silence. No one is in your head when you spend half an hour in the morning trying to convince yourself that the days plans are meaningful and y should get up even though everything feels pointless. No one is there in the night when you wake up in a full panic from dream and spend 4 hours trying to calm yourself enough to fall asleep. What’s more, when they do witness the torture in your head, they cannot comprehend. Your co-worker sees you struggling to sign a meeting form with your violently shaking hand and looks with confusion into your perfectly calm face. Your church friends tell you, “When I get anxious I just pray and it all goes away!” but they’ve never heard your raw and bleeding cries sent out to God, begging Him to fight this battle for you. You ask why. You lie awake at night wondering what you’ve done, what you’re doing wrong that you are still tortured. Some nights your faith wavers and you question whether God is really on your side. Some days you feel you might be sick if you pull one more convincing fake smile. I know. I understand. I face those thoughts too. I’m fighting this Battle as well. My beloved ones, I have no solution, no fix all to take the pain away. However, perhaps the most powerful way we can combat these lies is with the real truth. Prosperity gospel is the worst thing for anyone with a mental disorder to hear. It lays all the blame on you, all the things you already accuse yourself of, and the times you say, “I’m a failure to God and this is my punishment.” Are only encouraged by pr0sperity gospel. Here’s the flat our truth though. Faith does not equal comfort. Not only did God not promise comfort, He promises trouble. When you follow Christ, the enemy will fit endlessly to destroy you. Joseph listened to God and he was enslaved. He rose to power in Potiphars house and was imprisoned because he obeyed what is good and pleasing to God. Job would at first seem to follow prosperity gospel. He followed God and was greatly blessed with health, wealth, and family. Job did nothing wrong, but God allowed him to be tested. Everything was taken from Job even though he remained faithful. God is not looking to give us comfort in this life, but to grow us spiritually. James 1: 2-4 “Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.” That’s the key, spiritual growth. As w grow through suffering, we can be compassionate enough to come alongside others who also suffer. However, do not think this means you are alone in your head, in the darkness that threatens to destroy you. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” ~ Psalm 34:18 He will not always deliver us from the darkness, and He will not always make it easy. He makes one promise… to be with us.
“Whither shall I go from thy spirit, or Whither shall I flee from thy presence?
If I ascend into heaven though art there.
If I make my bed in hell, behold, though art there.
If I take on the wings of the morning,
Or dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there thy hand shall lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
If I say, ‘surely the darkness shall cover me’ even the night shall be light about me.
Yeah the darkness hide the not from thee, but the night shine through as the day.
The light and dark are both alike to thee.” ~Psalm 139: 7-12
~Katie Stone~
